… I thought this an interesting situation. We all think we are reasonable people. In fact,we measure how reasonable other people are by comparing them to ourselves. We are all likely to believe we possess the right levels of honesty, charm, intelligence and taste; and even if we think of ourselves as terribly shy or uninteresting, we’ll make up for it by knowing that we’re really decent, or honest, or – and this is the best one – interesting once you get know us. However modestly we talk about ourselves, we think we’ve got it all right, and are justified in our behaviour.
… The point is, what you mean to be is now what you are. What you mean to communicate about yourself is not the point: it is essentially what you communicate that is the important fact. The woman who sent the nasty e-mails was being a horrendous bitch because she expressed herself like one. End of story, regardless of whether or not she thinks that’s 'really her’. People never think it’s ‘really them’. … Left on your own on a desert island, you can’t be a bitch: it takes communication with other people for that word to mean anything.
… It takes a little reflection to see that our self-images are arbitrary, and far more likely to be born out of our insecurities than our strengths. … You might have an over-riding self-image you refer to most of the time, and plenty of other way s of seeing yourself that are specific to certain situations: at home, meeting people, at work and so on. Pinpoint a couple now; take a moment to see what comes to mind. Note what appears in your head when you think of yourself. Who makes the decisions as to what those mini mind-movies contain? You’ve probably left those to create themselves, and a lot of unhelpful bits of information have got stuck in there. Should you bother to change what’s in those pictures?
The fact is that spending a few minutes playing with the content and look of those pictures can lead to worthwhile and even dramatic changes in your life. They way you see yourself defines the limitations you place on your behaviour.
…. Decide on a self-image you would like…make sure the image radiates the qualities you would like to have more of. Design this self-image, and make it detailed. Make it a good one. …Make it large …. Turn up the brightness … Try bringing it closer … Add sizzle. Let the picture be pushing out of the screen with vitality. …. Add a soundtrack. Mentally play a theme tune or song that fills you with confidence, or the appropriate emotion for the picture. … Add anything that makes it even better.
Now, bring up in front of you an image of something that has traditionally made you feel under-confident. Think of a situation where you would benefit from this new self-image. Picture whatever you would see or think that would normally trigger bad feelings. As soon as they begin to creep up, have that negative picture quickly shrink down to nothing … zoom the (new) self-image right up in front of you. … You need only do this five times or so, then test it and find that it happens automatically.
…. Self-help techniques can be enormously rewarding for some people, and self-evident for others. Gurus such as Tony Robbins make fortunes from motivational courses that are both amazing and sinister, which boil down to an age-old and obvious adage: just get on with it. It’s about do or don’t do. In social life we are defined by our actions, not by our motives; our thoughts or intentions mean very little unless they lead to action. It’s how we behave, or even sometimes how we make the effort to be nice, that makes the difference. An obvious, but much-missed point.
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