I once spent almost two years writing a book on public speaking and yet I found I kept going over it from time to time in order to remember what I had written in my own book. The rapidity with which we forget is astonishing.
So, if you want to get a real, lasting benefit out of this book, don’t imagine that skimming through it once will suffice. After reading it thoroughly, you ought to spend a few hours reviewing it each month.
Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at every opportunity. If you don’t you will forget them quickly. Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.
William James said: ‘The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be appreciated.’
Our millionaires helped finance Admiral Byrd’s expedition to the Antarctic in 1928 with the understanding that ranges of icy mountains would be named after them; and Victor Hugo aspired to nothing less than the city of Paris renamed in his honour. Even Shakespeare, mightiest of the mighty, tried to add lustre to his name by procuring a coat of arms for his family.
‘I consider my ability to raise enthusiasm among my people,’ said Schwab, ‘the greatest asset I possess, and the way to develop the best that is in a person is by appreciation and encouragement.
‘There is nothing else that so kills the ambitions of a person as criticisms from superiors.’
When Alfred Lunt, one of the great actors of his time, played the leading role in Reunion in Vienna, he said, ‘There is nothing I need so much as nourishment for my self-esteem.’
In the long run flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else.
The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other is insincere.
King George V had a set of maxims displayed on the walls of his study at Buckingham Palace. One of these maxims said ‘Teach me neither to proffer nor receive cheap praise.’
When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. Now, if we stop thinking about ourselves for a while and begin to think of the other person’s good points, we don’t have to resort to flattery so cheap and false that it can be spotted almost before it is out of the mouth.
I often went fishing up in Maine during the summer. Personally I am very fond of strawberries and cream, but I have found that for some strange reason, fish prefer worms. So when I went fishing, I didn’t think about what I wanted. I didn’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream.
Why talk about what we want? That is childish. Absurd. Of course, you are interested in what you want. You are eternally interested in it. But no one else is. The rest of us are just like you: we are interested in what we want.
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition.
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you.
FUNDAMENTAL TECHNIQUES IN HANDLING PEOPLE
1. Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation.
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Act as if you are already happy, and that will tend to make you happy.
Your smile is a messenger of good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all those who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, you smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds.
… nobody needs a smile so much as those who have none left to give.
The name sets the individual apart; it makes him or her unique among all others.
Jesus summed it up in one thought – probably the most important rule in the world: ‘Do unto others as you would have others do unto you.’
The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let the realise in some subtle way that you realise their importance, and recognise it sincerely. Remember what Emerson said: ‘Every man I meet is superior in some way. In that, I learn of him.’
SIX WAYS TO MAKE PEOPLE LIKE YOU
1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
2. Smile
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
4. Be a good listener. Encourage other to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of other people’s interests.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely.
If you argue, rankle and contradict, you may achieve victory sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent’s good will.
Carl Rogers, the eminent psychologist, wrote in his book On Becoming a Person:
I have found it enormous value when I can permit myself to understand the other person. The way in which I have worded myself may seem strange to you. Is it necessary to permit oneself to understand another? I think it is. Our first reaction to most of the statements (which we hear from other people) is an evaluation or judgement, rather than an understanding of it. When someone expresses feeling, attitude, or belief, our tendency is almost immediately to feel ‘that’s right’, or ‘that’s stupid’, ‘that’s abnormal’, ‘that’s incorrect’, that’s not nice’. Very rarely do we permit ourselves to understand precisely what the meaning of the statement is to the other person.
‘I made it a rule’, said Franklin, ‘to forbear all direct contradiction to the sentiment of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fix’d opinion, such as ‘certainly’, ‘undoubtedly’, etc., and I adopted, instead of them, ‘I conceive’, or ‘I imagine’, a thing to be so and so, or ‘it so appears to me at present.’ When another asserted something that I thought an error, I deny’d myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing immediately some absurdity in his proposition: and in answering I began by observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, but in the present case there appear’d or seem’d to me some difference, etc. I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the conversations I engag’d in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I popos’d my opinions procur’d them a readier reception and less contradiction; I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily prevail’d with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I happened to be in the right.’
Elbert Hubbard would answer like this:
Come to think it over, I don’t entirely agree with it myself. Not everything I wrote yesterday appeals to me today. I am glad to learn what you think on the subject. The next time you are in the neighbourhood you must visit us and we’ll get this subject threshed out for all time. So here is a handclasp over the miles, and I am
Yours sincerely,
What could you say to a man who treated you like that?
When we are right, let’s try to win people gently and tactfully to our way of thinking, and when we are wrong – and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm. Not only will that technique produce astonishing result; but, believe it or not, it is a lot more fun, under the circumstances, than trying to defend oneself.
I read a fable about the sun and the wind. They quarrelled about which was the stronger, and the wind said, ‘I’ll prove I am. See the old man down there with the coat? I bet I can get his coat off quicker than you can.’
So the sun went behind a cloud, and the wind blew until it was almost a tornado, but the harder it blew, the tighter the old man clutched his coat to him.
Finally, the wind calmed down and gave up, and then the sun came out from behind the clouds and smiled kindly on the old man. Presently, he mopped his brown and pulled off his coat. The sun told the wind that gentleness and friendliness were always stronger than fury and force.
WIN PEOPLE TO YOUR WAY OF THINKING
1. The only way to get the best out of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say, ‘You’re wrong’.
3. If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way.
5. Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatise your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
The legendary aviation pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote: ‘I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes. What matter is not what I think of him, but what he thinks of himself. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime.’
BE A LEADER
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation.
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly.
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticising the other person.
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders.
5. Let the other person save face.
6. Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement, Be ‘hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise’.
7. Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
No comments:
Post a Comment