Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.
Tracy: So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz: I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.
Jack: Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz: A businesswoman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.
Jack: I'm not a creative type like you, with your work sneakers and left-handedness.
Kenneth: Oh no Sir, I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican. We count those.
Jack: So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?
Liz: Yeah, I gotta get one of those.
Jack: What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?
Liz: I've got like twelve grand in checking.
Jack: Are you an immigrant?
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
Liz: I need to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into more money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.
Priest: Don't you have faith?
Jack: I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton.
Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.
Jack: [scoffs] You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident. [jump cut] ...I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field. I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange. I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition. [jump cut] and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics. [sighs] It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.
Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.
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